Stock advice
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be worth $49.00.
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the
stock)one year ago, drank all the beer, then traded in the cans at a
redemption center for the nickel deposit, you would have $107.00.
Given the current conditions of the economy, my advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.
The latest ploy to drive the Taliban out of the mountains of Afghanistan is
to send in a team of Redneck Special Forces. Billy Bob, Bubba Dean and
Cooter are being sent in and told three things:
1. The limit is two.
2. The season ended last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
Secrets of a Good Marriage - 07-25-02
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
This blonde and her girlfriend were talking about the usual thing
blondes and their girlfriends talk about over a latte at Starbuck's.
"My boyfriend just has the most awful dandruff," confided the blonde.
"Have you ever given him Head and Shoulders?," her empathetic galfriend asked earnestly.
"MMMMmmmmmmmmmm," the blonde pondered. "How do you give shoulders?"
THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling
a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were
eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and
decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them
to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and, they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over
and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his
neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the
Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a
Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was
resolved! The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent
came. and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down
to their cold tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak
cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their
noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to
see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group
arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small
pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the
grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now
you are a fish."
A guy visits his doctor complaing of uncontrollable flatulence.
The doctor tells him to undress and leaves the room. Moments later he
returns, carrying along stick with a hook on the end."Oh god!" says
the guy in terror. "What are you going to do with that?" "I'm going to
open a window," the doctor replies. "It stinks in here."
The manager of a genral store is teaching a new kid how to sell customers more than they
actually need. "I'll show you what I mean," he wispers as a guy walks in asking for seed.
"Here you go,"says the mamager. "And you'll be wanting a lawn mower, right?" "Why's that?"
the guy asks. "You'll need to cut the grass after the seeds grow." Amazingly, the guy buys one.
When another man enters and asks for a pack of Tampax, the manager winks at the boy, who sys,
"Of course, sir. And I suppose you'll be needing a lawn mower?" "Why would that be?" asks the puzzled
customer. "Well your weekend's shot, so you might as well mow the lawn."
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